the one where i try not to be bitter, but really am

unless you've been under a rock or have no immediate contact with me, you know that i've been laid off from my job at the company that starts with "zoo" and ends with "loo," and i'll be damned if i put them together so this blog can come up on their google alerts.

to make a long story short, the way i found out i was going to get laid off was when i tried to log on to my work e-mail before i left in the morning, and found that my account had been disabled. i called the VP and demanded an explanation and was told that i "better come in the office and talk to the CEO." oh, and that it "wasn't personal, just financial."

fucking AWESOME.

so, i cry my eyes out to rob, take a shower while sobbing, put on some nice clothes (because there's no way i'm going to get fired looking like a schlub) and bravely drive to work. thankfully, i was the only one besides the CEO there and it was short and sweet. he was very nice about it and i got a 2 week severance, so it wasn't horrible, but it still fucking sucked.

i would like nothing more than to bash the shit out of the company, the product and the people, give them all the giant finger and burn every bridge i can, but the truth of the matter is that i liked the company, i liked what i was doing and i liked the people. yes, i was bored a lot, but that's because there wasn't enough work to keep me busy. i work hard and i work quickly, and a lot of times companies just can't keep up. oh, and the fact that i was a financial burden and my salary could be better put to use by gaining sign-ups might have had something to do with my dismissal. BUT IT WAS PURELY FINANCIAL.

for the past week and a half, i've been eating my feelings, having a bad attitude and applying for every goddamn writing and editing position i can find. and it sucks donkey balls. i've built a professional resume AND website with the help of my very gracious cousin. i've written a professional cover letter with just a hint of my quirky personality (i may or may not have used the phrase "grammar nazi") and no nibbles. i'm going crazy being at home all day. i call rob AT LEAST 8 times a day just to talk to someone. i even talk to the fucking cats. let me repeat that: I TALK TO THE CATS. for someone who claims to hate people, i'm a hell of a lot more social than i give myself credit for, and the lack of human interaction is already taking its toll.

i've cycled through the stages of grief about 27 times now and am currently set to "anger." i'm angry that my work wasnt valued enough, i'm angry that they asked if i would still freelance, i'm angry that i have to go try and find a job in this piece of shit economy, i'm angry that my husband has to foot all the bills, i'm angry that i cannot contribute monetarily to this marriage (but at least i still give great head), i'm angry that i have to try and sell myself, i'm angry that i cannot find a job prospect that looks even the least bit interesting to me, i'm angry that i don't have enough hobbies to keep me occupied, i'm angry that my lack of hobbies means i'm going to have to clean the house to keep busy, i'm angry that no one is going to pay me to be mean and bitchy and snarky and funny and a smartass and a good writer all in one, and i'm angry that i have no idea what direction i want my life to go in.