un-honeymoon

a couple of things:

1. when choosing a honeymoon destination, do not pick:
a) a place that you've already been to
b) a place your husband wants to go to because BrewFest is there (gross)
c) a place where there's nothing to do
d) portland, aka all of the above

2. your trip officially ceases to be a honeymoon when your husband's uncle dies the second day you're there (really sad, he was a sweet old man and i liked him a lot). if you're still unsure, ask yourself this: are you sitting at a funeral right now? then it's no longer a honeymoon.

3. when, on your wedding night, your husband's best friend decides, in a drunken stupor, to stick his hand up your dress and goose your goodies, do not wait until you see him again to confront him, especially if the next time you see him is on your honeymoon. kick him in the face right then and there and be done with it. waiting until everyone is sobered up/4 months later is a bad idea, especially if it's right after BrewFest and everyone is a little more drunk than you thought they were.

4. if you can't fuck your husband for about half the trip because you're bleeding like a stuck pig because SOMEONE decided they were going to quit taking the pill and then their system got all out of whack and they didn't get their period for 4 whole months, well then that sucks a giant tit, now doesn't it?

5. if you call your mother in tears at any point in the trip, you can pretty much bet the honeymoon's over.

6. overall, we had a nice trip, but we both agreed that there was nothing "honeymoon" about it. next year, we're going to a place where cell phones don't work, there's lots to see and do and there are no idiot friends to cock it up. oh, and no one's allowed to die.